I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate mybody to Tupperware.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he wouldhave put diamonds on the floor.
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For methat would be a shroud.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year thatkid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot ofprocessed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way,I'd visit him every day.
Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller andStevie Wonder to vote.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”